Thursday, December 16
i really need you right now ..
christmas , new year , birthdays , medical check ups and lawsuits , valentine , followed by chinese new year .. if skipping it means skipping over frustration , i'd rather not be involved in any of these festives .
mother talked to me just now .. telling me about her condition . she has kidney problems , but not sure what it was . she'll be going for check ups on the 21st dec to hear out the analysis . thn on the 27th dec , she's going to court against my father . to me , father is no longer mine . this family was already broken in the beginning , with so much of violence . and now , illness has found my mother . am i about to become an orphan ? oh .. i still have a stepfather ..
4th of jan she has another checkup about the gastric . and the only things she said to me was "you've gotta help out around the house , and contact with uncle , otherwise he'll worry about you too .. stay home a little more .. what happened to your hand ? you punched the walls again ? don't hurt yourself .. remember mummy used to protect you and sis , even when your father whacked and beaten me up ? remember how i had to do x-rays because of that ? don't hurt yourself .. ok ?" it's been a really long time since she noticed something about me , and saying it so directly to me ..
i don't know what to say .. it feels so heavy-hearted .. all the self-discipline and maturity i have to have ..
candy and i crashed today . almost wrecked . there were several times i wanted to leave but he kept me . i've never been asked to stay . neither have i ever tried to leave . baby i don't know what else to say but i love you . i really do .. besides that , there's just a little bit of confusion and fear .. and darling i'm sorry about trying to explain why i was not feminine . after long thoughts about it , i finally understood that femininity is about behavior and many other things , but especially behavior . i'm sorry .. be patient with me about that alright ? i really wanna learn but i need some time and coaching .. soft coachings ..
i feel so messed up right now .. don't know what tomorrow will be like , whether you'll text or call me , feel alright or still bent .. so guilty and woried about my mother , thinking about all the times i could have spent with her rather than for my own interests .. if these are the retributions for the sins i've made , i'm sorry ..... do it on me please ?
i love you like i always do .
christmas , new year , birthdays , medical check ups and lawsuits , valentine , followed by chinese new year .. if skipping it means skipping over frustration , i'd rather not be involved in any of these festives .
mother talked to me just now .. telling me about her condition . she has kidney problems , but not sure what it was . she'll be going for check ups on the 21st dec to hear out the analysis . thn on the 27th dec , she's going to court against my father . to me , father is no longer mine . this family was already broken in the beginning , with so much of violence . and now , illness has found my mother . am i about to become an orphan ? oh .. i still have a stepfather ..
4th of jan she has another checkup about the gastric . and the only things she said to me was "you've gotta help out around the house , and contact with uncle , otherwise he'll worry about you too .. stay home a little more .. what happened to your hand ? you punched the walls again ? don't hurt yourself .. remember mummy used to protect you and sis , even when your father whacked and beaten me up ? remember how i had to do x-rays because of that ? don't hurt yourself .. ok ?" it's been a really long time since she noticed something about me , and saying it so directly to me ..
i don't know what to say .. it feels so heavy-hearted .. all the self-discipline and maturity i have to have ..
candy and i crashed today . almost wrecked . there were several times i wanted to leave but he kept me . i've never been asked to stay . neither have i ever tried to leave . baby i don't know what else to say but i love you . i really do .. besides that , there's just a little bit of confusion and fear .. and darling i'm sorry about trying to explain why i was not feminine . after long thoughts about it , i finally understood that femininity is about behavior and many other things , but especially behavior . i'm sorry .. be patient with me about that alright ? i really wanna learn but i need some time and coaching .. soft coachings ..
i feel so messed up right now .. don't know what tomorrow will be like , whether you'll text or call me , feel alright or still bent .. so guilty and woried about my mother , thinking about all the times i could have spent with her rather than for my own interests .. if these are the retributions for the sins i've made , i'm sorry ..... do it on me please ?
i love you like i always do .
i love you like i always do.12:48 AM.
