Friday, August 6
it's been a long time since i last blogged, or should i say, used blogger.
many things have happened recently, and i no longer know what to do..
my family have had another tough time recently, mainly my mum and dad.
my mum re-married, married to the man who stayed with her for the past 5 years. in the past 5 years, he was the one who has been really gentle and understanding to her, goes to her to the movies, shows his love in all ways possible. though he delayed her time for an operation back then about a year ago, which could have taken her life if delayed any further, he cried at the hospital, pleading for her forgiveness. she forgave, with no doubt. he's been the reason she looks forward to everything, but now, he's just another man who comes home late, not asking about her feelings nor tasting the food she prepares. he raises his voice at her every now and then when nobody else is around, still gives her monthly allowances, still comes back to this house, still sleeps on the same bed as my mum, but no longer hugs her or feels unbearable to let go, no longer cares for her the same way he does as before, no longer bring her out for leisure or entertainment.
the other time when he threatens to leave because he felt that all my mum wanted was money and the house, my mum cried and begged for him to stay, said all she could to persuade him to stay..
when i hear that, i cried. when i saw it, i ached. why did the heartbreaks have to happen to her for twice.. why did her marriage have to crash again..
the company which my father is working in will be facing some retrenchment activities.
that's the reason i'm not going over to Los Angeles and Japan this year. i was shortlisted for the Japan trip, and i'm pretty sure i would be for the Los Angeles trip too. but then, cuz of the retrenchment activity, my father has been restricting on his expenses and thus, i've decided not to go. on the other hand, it serves as an evidence that i am understanding towards their situation. so...
i've been through alot of relationships, and yes, i've failed again.
i tried my best to make things work by changing in many areas, but in the end, all that i'm told was that i didn't recognize his contributions, and still didn't change in the crucial areas, that he has been hoping i'd change, but didn't tell me how he wants me to change because he hope i'd still be myself, and not become someone else..
for the past few nights, i ached, i pondered, i cried, and i have only one conclusion.. i have to give up because letting go wouldn't bring him back. besides, i doubt there's any chance so im not gonna pester him anymore.
skol's sucha bullet train.
finally fyp part 1 is going to be over. it was so dreadful and freaking cold every meeting i swear. had no time to go shopping cuz every weekend was spent waiting and hoping that i'll be able to go out with him but since now it's already over, i'm not gonna pester him liaos.. i'll just have to distract myself and busy myself with other things.
prep work for drawing module, again.
it's a blessing that i'm once again needed to do such a thing, but it's kinda pressurizing the fact that i have to get it done within a short period of time. it's like.. i wanna reach out to the 67cm but im already at my limit at 50cm.. the stretch.. you get it?
anyway, i'm tired. all that i'm left with.. is a heart ripped off one bit, and my mind all full of shits. i now have phobia for marriage and relationship, and i can only wanna clear my mind off everything.. not having to face reality for awhile..
many things have happened recently, and i no longer know what to do..
my family have had another tough time recently, mainly my mum and dad.
my mum re-married, married to the man who stayed with her for the past 5 years. in the past 5 years, he was the one who has been really gentle and understanding to her, goes to her to the movies, shows his love in all ways possible. though he delayed her time for an operation back then about a year ago, which could have taken her life if delayed any further, he cried at the hospital, pleading for her forgiveness. she forgave, with no doubt. he's been the reason she looks forward to everything, but now, he's just another man who comes home late, not asking about her feelings nor tasting the food she prepares. he raises his voice at her every now and then when nobody else is around, still gives her monthly allowances, still comes back to this house, still sleeps on the same bed as my mum, but no longer hugs her or feels unbearable to let go, no longer cares for her the same way he does as before, no longer bring her out for leisure or entertainment.
the other time when he threatens to leave because he felt that all my mum wanted was money and the house, my mum cried and begged for him to stay, said all she could to persuade him to stay..
when i hear that, i cried. when i saw it, i ached. why did the heartbreaks have to happen to her for twice.. why did her marriage have to crash again..
the company which my father is working in will be facing some retrenchment activities.
that's the reason i'm not going over to Los Angeles and Japan this year. i was shortlisted for the Japan trip, and i'm pretty sure i would be for the Los Angeles trip too. but then, cuz of the retrenchment activity, my father has been restricting on his expenses and thus, i've decided not to go. on the other hand, it serves as an evidence that i am understanding towards their situation. so...
i've been through alot of relationships, and yes, i've failed again.
i tried my best to make things work by changing in many areas, but in the end, all that i'm told was that i didn't recognize his contributions, and still didn't change in the crucial areas, that he has been hoping i'd change, but didn't tell me how he wants me to change because he hope i'd still be myself, and not become someone else..
for the past few nights, i ached, i pondered, i cried, and i have only one conclusion.. i have to give up because letting go wouldn't bring him back. besides, i doubt there's any chance so im not gonna pester him anymore.
skol's sucha bullet train.
finally fyp part 1 is going to be over. it was so dreadful and freaking cold every meeting i swear. had no time to go shopping cuz every weekend was spent waiting and hoping that i'll be able to go out with him but since now it's already over, i'm not gonna pester him liaos.. i'll just have to distract myself and busy myself with other things.
prep work for drawing module, again.
it's a blessing that i'm once again needed to do such a thing, but it's kinda pressurizing the fact that i have to get it done within a short period of time. it's like.. i wanna reach out to the 67cm but im already at my limit at 50cm.. the stretch.. you get it?
anyway, i'm tired. all that i'm left with.. is a heart ripped off one bit, and my mind all full of shits. i now have phobia for marriage and relationship, and i can only wanna clear my mind off everything.. not having to face reality for awhile..
i love you like i always do.12:14 AM.
