when anaesthesia fades..


i can hardly smile right now. they just got me so ever speechless.. and i don't know what to say anymore.


after so many encounters of affection, i feel like a badly injured soldier at war, realizing that i'm helpless and not able to fight for my happiness, not able to go anywhere from here right now. and like how anyone else would feel when they're about to die, i don't wish to be alone.. i yearn to lie in the arms of my lover, have him tell me it's all gonna be okay.. and just weep quietly till i pass away..


i feel utterly lost right now. i can no longer act like as if nothing went wrong, can no longer speak with confidence. i am just as honest as i can be, as hurt as how you can feel when anaesthetic fades, dumb as if my brain had failed to think even defensively, quiet as if i was mute.. just quietly thinking of all the things that adds up together, being alone on my bed, swallowing it all up. feels kinda sick, don't i?




are you happy now?

nanometers to insanity.
went F's jia and played majong with auntyL, S and my mum. it was a really long and tedious session for me this time round though i enjoyed observing my mum and auntyL. 


i still appreciate how auntyL cooks and asks us to eat, how she keeps tidbits and allows us to have a bite, how friendly and happy-go-lucky she is, how chattable she is. i really like that alot.


however, there's this thing about diabetes i hold. i will nag at them to eat less of oily and heavily flavored food, or even, over-consuming. i'd buy you them a hoola hoop if that could make them healthier..


still, i have several issues on my mind which i am really bothered about. and still, i am adapting to it in a slow and quiet way, which is not how i usually handle things. i sinned a way i would just to protect myself, give myself a little more space to breathe and think, and too.. it was a way, probably the only way.. which i could have discovered more about the others.


hushh.. this is probably the only solution i have left.

last night ; last and yesterday.


Went to watch Going the distance with BFF ytd!! it was so nice of him to call me directly after he realize he had won a pair of tix to the sneak preview.. andddd andddd we saw XIA XUE!! lols.. honestly speaking, all the while when i read her blog or hear of her, the only thought in my mind was "ouh.. ok.." but when i saw her in real, though just her side view and her very eye-catching blonde hair, and didn't even talk to her at all, BFF and i were thrilled!! hahas.. somehow, she's like a celeb, and celeb's auras always thrill people.. still, BFF is ranked the same level as her in my eyes, and even after it's been so long since i last saw BFF, he's still the same, so nice, so everything nice..


BFF, i really like how i see contentment in you, how you made me feel that life is not as bad as we think it is, how it is actually worth being curious about. at this point of time, this thought really made me feel alot better. though i have been rather wild and way outrageous, i'm starting to slow down to think, and really set aside the fun.. putting it to a lower priority.


oh yea!! the review!! it's a really humorous movie with a tint of love and sexuality. it shud be a nc16 if i'm not wrong and yes, if you love humor, you ought to watch it!! i'm intending to catch if again!! :D


and it'll probably be the last night i club with such a vexed mind. had J peii me till 0530 thn we cab home. thanks buddy!! oh yea.. ytd was the first time i freakin hell wear leggings to club!! super dislike the feeling uh.. hais.. who call me saturday night fall till lidat, 2 big patches of bruises over my shin and another 2 on my knee..


:(


anyway, i have a message for you, K, if you ever happen to read this.. Take care of yourself and stay happy always.. no matter what happens.

the penetrating pressure.


i had this weird encounter last night when i was dozing on and off from 2200 to 2300. it was alright till i doze off at about 0020. i felt this pressure entering from the far right side of my bed, and slowly nearing my right shin. the pressure then came closer to my body from the above, and starting trying pressing on me. initially, i only suspected that it could be the weather but when i couldn't move, couldn't shout, i realize what it was. i tried closing my eyes shut to psycho myself that it's just my imagination but the pressure came so close onto me, it starting forcing into me.


at this point of time, i could hardly breathe. so i tried calling for my mother, squeaking for attention and even trying to dial my mum's number.. yet, nothing worked. i started to feel angry about the amulet not being able to keep this stupid thing away, and angry that i couldn't move at all. then i just went "tsk" and just closed my eyes and thought about all the hatred.. soon after, not knowing why, all of it went away.


that night, was the 15th of 7th month.

saturday night was spent at Redhill and Chinatown. had fun with a group of middle-aged and too, a couple of live entertainment at Club Bubbery. i can't believe i fell more than twice that night!! the floor at the toilet somewhere there was so slippery i couldn't even walk without glitching!! this crappy situation printed many bruises on me.. on my shin, my knee, my elbow and fortunately, not my face. *relieved*

:)

went to rest at about 6am, woke up around 11am. cabbed home with my remaining saving and was only left with $1. i was so broke i skipped the meet up session with V, LY and C. hope they forgive me for that.. im sincerely sorry..

:(

i bought my new lappy later that day, and baby it's a T!! T for Toshiba. didn't get a Fujitsu because i couldn't find it. sad. but still, i will be devoted to my babyT. hehex~ and i brought it to skol today to do formatting and setting up of everything. so..... now, i'm waiting for the TeaTime Buffet at SakaeSushi. ciaos people~ have a great evening!!

side note: trust isn't everything.

wednesday night was havoc. at PH, everything was insane. almost like you're in the game SIMS, reminding me of the movie GAMER. i had lotsa fun and trouble.. just grateful it was like that and not any worse.

how i feel is no longer important because i don't deserve a rs right now, neither am i confident of being in one. like a wild horse not ready to be tamed. i feel absolute confusion. would definitely appreciate it if i could have a distinctive light right now..

size of dance floor as compared to rebel : abt 2 to 3 times bigger

i can't believe he actually had her picture on his msn, her name on his pm.

i can't believe the things he did outta his love for me, how gracious he was to me even when i didn't deserved it, and how hurt he was when i did things just because i don't believe he's true.

i can't believe i lost my faith in relationships, lost my faith in guys, lost my will to settle down.

still, i will give you my blessings, i will advise you i'm not the kind of girl you would love to fall in love with, yet you shouldn't take my trust for granted.

pictures i take.

some how, it still pricks.

it's friday 13th today and everybody's been talking about how suay they've been - some had hairspray attacking their eye, some had quarrels with their parents. on the other hand, today's the last day of this semester, which means holiday starts after today's lesson, and all the way till 5th September.

been rushing my final piece last night, slept at 0400 in the morning, and dragged myself to skol at 0815 just cuz my mum wants it. damn 2nd day of my injury.

still, the worst part is to see him returning me the hoodie. i know this is reality, but i just didn't expect it to be so hurtful. i thought i could handle it, but maybe i should have been quicker to heal so that all the salt and poking won't hurt. i can't think now.. but i know, i still wish for the same thing.. i still.. can't face it yet.

On Monday i had display technology module, and as usual, it was about the television. only difference was.. i don't see him smile that often anymore, he doesn't talk to me or look me in the eye anymore, i fear and keep worry about what might happen, yet i miss him even from that few meters apart.


true enough, we havn't been walking to skol together since last friday. and realistic enough, he hasn't worn the black hoodie since then. i finally got the courage to call him today, but he simply rejected my call and asked me not to disturb him. saying i disturb him when he's sleeping, and when he's watchin movie, say i should hence not message or call him.

i havn't had any replies or calls from him since last week, and now, it's so dead real.

i lost my mood to draw for today's assignment, because there's still no table and i couldn't find one, i feel too hurt about losing him and quarrelling with my mother about what i could get.

seriously, nothing nice has happened since i moved here, from woodlands to teckwhye. i miss my friends, the plaground, the atmosphere, the love, and you..

does it really makes you happy not having me even as a friend?

time will heal the wound.

J : "well,when i know u, u just broke off with ur last ex.. thn you found this one.."


indeed, that wound was healed. time was the aid i had, that could be given to everyone.. simply because as time goes by, you get used to the loss of their presence, the environment without their face, and being quietly alone without having them to be there for you on the other end of the line. it's sad, we all know, cuz we can only accept it as it is.. the change we define as fate.

life is a dice of too many sides..

i bought a dream catcher today!! absolutely lovely!! also bought a pair of jeans from bugis, rather ex, $30. and a lanyard for my icecream!! happy on side, but on the other, it's like as if im witnessing how this whole thing is withering off..

many have been angry, and many have been positive. some supportive, some with motive.. but in any ways, they all told me to move on. sometimes, i thought, we have to try our best, before we can see the result. i got so hardworking and did so much, yet was said to not be enough. what doesn't belong to me, would never be.

and the other alternative is to get used to it, and let go of it. it might not hurt any lesser, but at least, it's easier for you to move on.

even if you don't believe it..

it's been a long time since i last blogged, or should i say, used blogger.
many things have happened recently, and i no longer know what to do..

my family have had another tough time recently, mainly my mum and dad.
my mum re-married, married to the man who stayed with her for the past 5 years. in the past 5 years, he was the one who has been really gentle and understanding to her, goes to her to the movies, shows his love in all ways possible. though he delayed her time for an operation back then about a year ago, which could have taken her life if delayed any further, he cried at the hospital, pleading for her forgiveness. she forgave, with no doubt. he's been the reason she looks forward to everything, but now, he's just another man who comes home late, not asking about her feelings nor tasting the food she prepares. he raises his voice at her every now and then when nobody else is around, still gives her monthly allowances, still comes back to this house, still sleeps on the same bed as my mum, but no longer hugs her or feels unbearable to let go, no longer cares for her the same way he does as before, no longer bring her out for leisure or entertainment.

the other time when he threatens to leave because he felt that all my mum wanted was money and the house, my mum cried and begged for him to stay, said all she could to persuade him to stay..

when i hear that, i cried. when i saw it, i ached. why did the heartbreaks have to happen to her for twice.. why did her marriage have to crash again..

the company which my father is working in will be facing some retrenchment activities.
that's the reason i'm not going over to Los Angeles and Japan this year. i was shortlisted for the Japan trip, and i'm pretty sure i would be for the Los Angeles trip too. but then, cuz of the retrenchment activity, my father has been restricting on his expenses and thus, i've decided not to go. on the other hand, it serves as an evidence that i am understanding towards their situation. so...

i've been through alot of relationships, and yes, i've failed again.
i tried my best to make things work by changing in many areas, but in the end, all that i'm told was that i didn't recognize his contributions, and still didn't change in the crucial areas, that he has been hoping i'd change, but didn't tell me how he wants me to change because he hope i'd still be myself, and not become someone else..

for the past few nights, i ached, i pondered, i cried, and i have only one conclusion.. i have to give up because letting go wouldn't bring him back. besides, i doubt there's any chance so im not gonna pester him anymore.

skol's sucha bullet train.
finally fyp part 1 is going to be over. it was so dreadful and freaking cold every meeting i swear. had no time to go shopping cuz every weekend was spent waiting and hoping that i'll be able to go out with him but since now it's already over, i'm not gonna pester him liaos.. i'll just have to distract myself and busy myself with other things.

prep work for drawing module, again.
it's a blessing that i'm once again needed to do such a thing, but it's kinda pressurizing the fact that i have to get it done within a short period of time. it's like.. i wanna reach out to the 67cm but im already at my limit at 50cm.. the stretch.. you get it?

anyway, i'm tired. all that i'm left with.. is a heart ripped off one bit, and my mind all full of shits. i now have phobia for marriage and relationship, and i can only wanna clear my mind off everything.. not having to face reality for awhile..

This is my First Post.

Hello :D

ABBY.LANVIN

★ A.biographie ★
Been a ♑ since 1991
Singaporean aka Asian
Music┇arts┇fashion┇heels┇boney peeps┇tattoos┇keychains┇milktea

★ A.idolâtre ★

TAYLOR.MOMSEN┇JUSTIN.LONG
KELLY.CLARKSON┇JENNIFER.LOPEZ
BEYONCE┇SCARLET.JOHANSSON

and if you have stories to tell me, i'd be more than happy to listen.

=]

♥ A.souhaite ♥

ღBLACKBERRY , black and red
ღGuitar
ღCamera
ღElectronic Piano, YAMAHA
ღtri-color eye shadow , Face Shop

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designed by lil.queens
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moderation: Donald Kee